Disney Didn’t Earn the Right To Kill Star Wars Characters

disney star wars

The executives at Disney are a bunch of entitled imbeciles who have obviously had everything handed to them their entire lives. How do I know this? Let’s just examine the evidence shall we?

  1. They spent 4 billion dollars on a beloved space franchise.
  2. The second they took possession of that franchise, they killed off all the characters that made that franchise great.

And don’t sit there and tell me it was in pursuit of “art.” The Star Wars movies have never been about “art,” they’re about making money! They’re about selling T-shirts and action figures and theme parks and books and comics and posters and miniature slave human beings cloned to look like characters from the film and….the list goes on and on. But they should have taken a lesson from “Transformers: The Movie” and not killed Optimus Prime in the first 5 minutes (a move that made that franchise vulnerable to the evil claws of Michael Bay).

Disney, there was PLENTY OF TIME for you to kill off all the characters! You didn’t have to start doing it in the FIRST movie you made. Are you stupid? Just have ONE SCENE with Han, Luke, Leia, Lando (where the heck has he been anyway?), Chewbacca, C3-PO and R2-D2 all together again. Why not do that? Are your fancy writers with degrees from ivy league schools and parents in the business too creatively challenged to figure out a way to put everyone together? Well…any group of writers that settles on the old “then….they ran out of gas…” IN SPACE can’t be playing with a full deck!

(a guy wearing a T-shirt and a scarf and a beret): “Well, due to the nature of the plot, we just didn’t find it feasable….” (irritating chatter interrupted by a boot smashing into his teeth getting blood all over his scarf AND his t-shirt).

No, you idiots, you could have done it! You can do WHATEVER YOU WANT! You have INFINITE WEALTH AND RESOURCES! YOU’RE THE EVIL EMPIRE!!!

Disney is absorbing everything. They’re like the Catholic church, they come to a new land and learn all the local traditions and then absorb them into their own religion (hint, hint, there are no pine trees in the middle east…Christmas trees are a PAGAN tradition, they have nothing to DO with Christianity! This would be like Wolverine using a lightsaber which is PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN as soon as Disney gets the X-men from Fox).

When Rogue One was announced I finally thought Disney had come to their senses. My first reaction was, “that doesn’t make any sense…” But then the truth hit me. “Oh, I get it…It’s going to be a DARTH VADER movie! Of course!”

Of course indeed, because why would you spend 4 billion dollars on a franchise and not make a movie with the best characters? Yeah, Rogue One made sense! It would be all about Darth Vader’s ruthless quest to retrieve the Death Star plans. The mad asthmatic would go on a planet busting rampage, destroying half the galaxy on what would prove to be a futile (but awesome) pursuit of vengeance! Yeah, I was psyched to go see that!

But what did we get? Not the awesome movie I mentioned. Just a run of the mill World War II heist film with a bunch of scrappy nobodies that couldn’t even use the force. The movie was well on its way to being a flop, but then there was ONE SCENE that almost justified it.

You know the scene I mean…

This image is hosted elsewhere so Disney can’t sue me…but they probably will anyway

Darth Vader rips through an entire squadron of rebel soldiers, force flinging them into the ceiling before dicing them into cubes for a salad he can enjoy later. All you have to do is give Star Wars fans ONE SCENE like that and they’ll lap it up and scurry to your next movie like pathetic little beggars.

Why not just make a WHOLE MOVIE LIKE THAT? There hasn’t even been CHATTER about a DARTH VADER FILM. Even George Lucas figured out that YODA needed to play a bigger part by the 2nd prequel.

Disney needed to make 3 force heavy movies each of them featuring Luke Skywalker slaughtering the next group of imbeciles who decide to take Han and Leia prisoner. They had 4 billion to recoup. Have a little respect for the characters! Let them cut things up in this new era of superior special effects. You need ’em younger, fine, just ask Tom Cruise for his uncanny valley face smoothing technology.

Just killing the main characters is what you expect for a made for TV movie from the 70s. “Oh, we couldn’t afford the original actor except for a 3 minute beginning scene where he’s riddled with bullets, oh well…now you’re stuck watching a David Hasselhoff movie.”

It’s Doomsday!!!

The catastrophic hubris of Disney is just infuriating. And don’t sit there and tell me “but these movies have been a tremendous success…” Fine, they’ve made a bazillion dollars. The fact that at THIS MOMENT IN TIME they seem to be getting away with it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a bad idea. I mean, I had a sinking feeling that Clinton might have been in trouble when she named Tim Kaine as her running mate and everyone thought I was being ridiculous then (how’d that turn out?). When you pay 4 billion for a franchise, make a couple movies with the characters you purchased! And don’t tell me they had a story they wanted to tell. THEY COULD HAVE STILL TOLD THAT STORY! Just wind the clock back a little bit. Show Luke running around the universe in an X-wing slaughtering dark Jedi. Why not have a scene like that? You bought STAR WARS you morons, you didn’t buy the first folio, give us some Jedi Master action!!!

I get that there will be an endless series of Star Wars films from now until the day I die, but there will NEVER be one featuring the original Han, Luke and Leia all together in the Falcon again. Why not you idiots? Because you screwed it up and now Carrie Fisher is real dead, not just Disney dead.

Disney can continue to crank out bad films and pay off critics to say they’re great. But there is a reason that the writers and directors of this joke of a new trilogy had to pay 4 Billion dollars for a quality franchise: it’s because they clearly didn’t have the talent to create one by themselves. Sorry folks but some things can’t be bought.

And bring back Lando, WTF? What, don’t you like him for some reason? What reason could that be?

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