El Vengador Pelado, strikes fear into the heart of Lima’s Denizens

“The Vengador Pelado” (who insists that I call him that) sent me this story about how he responded to some jerk’s car alarm.  Honestly, if more people acted like this, there probably would be fewer car alarms constantly going off in Lima.

More of my exploits and I am sure it will provoke some anonymous asshole to tell me I have anger management issues.
The accountant from the company I am now working for is here in Lima; Gordon, Canadian, in his 70’s, nice guy.
The plan last night was to meet up for food with some friends of mine in town from Colombia. They were not going to be free until 9 so I picked Gordon up at 8 and went for a coffee at Cafe Haiti.
Now you, me and everybody else knows you go to Cafe Haiti to sit outside and watch the rich tapestry that is Miraflores nightlife unfurl: shoppers, musicians, street kids, fat old guys and their lovely nieces, guys selling crocodile skulls and iguanas etc.
We got there and sat down outside but there is this mid 90’s Honda sitting there with its alarm going and a very loud alarm at that: horn, siren, flashers. After five minutes it is obvious the alarm is fucked and not going to shut off any time soon. I said to Gordon we should go somewhere else as it is insufferable but they had brought our coffees and they said why don’t we sit inside instead.
We did and I asked the waiter if he had a marker pen. He said he did not so I asked if he could go and buy one. He said yes and I gave him S/.20 and off he went. I specified it had to be black, thick and permanent. After finishing our coffees we paid our bill and the waiter comes back with my pen, as specified.
The car alarm has not stopped for even a second in the 20 minutes we have been there but Serenazgo and the police are now there waiting for the owner to come back.
As we left I took my nice new marker and wrote in big letters on the hood and trunk of the car “APAGA SU ALARMA.”
A few of the patrons of Cafe Haiti made appreciative noises, I said hello to the police who did not say a word to me, although there were a few wry smiles, and went on my way.
Before anyone says what an asshole I am, I did not do any permanent damage to the car. A cloth and some alcohol will clean the pen off in few seconds but it likely the owner was not in possession of these items so had to drive around looking like a dickhead, with big black letters scrawled on their car that hopefully ruined their evening.
I think that is fair. Their fucking car alarm ruined the evening of dozens of people.
Why do people even have car alarms? I collect classic cars, they are a big deal to me, some are worth quite a bit of money but I do not and will not have a normal car alarm in any of them.
Have you ever seen anyone rush out of a bar or restaurant and check on their car because the alarm is going off?  Of course you fucking haven’t. It just sits their making noise and pissing people off, waking up babies etc.
Now maybe they exist and I don’t know about it but I want a car alarm that makes no noise but dials my cell phone when someone starts fucking with it, or even better removing important electrical components, from my car so I can come and do something about it. If someone invented it I would buy one but they would be expensive and when it malfunctions it’s going cost me money and wake me up at the three in the morning so I suspect it’ll never catch on.
I have a new alias as well.
El Vengador Pelado

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  1. Rodney

    Bravo El Vengador Pelado!!!! There is nothing more annoying than car alarms. Exactly what do they prevent anyway? So I guess you know that as of this evening our buddy Tim will be engaged to Lourdes. Hope all is well with you and yours.

  2. 09/28/2016

    Awesome article and I agree fully. If you had used spray paint I would not have felt bad for the jagoff owner. Fuck them. I live on the 7th floor of a high rise in Miraflores. I have become a marksman with egg tossing and hitting cars square on the roof. I am pretty sure if an egg yolk sits there long enough it will ruin the paint on the car. I hope so because that is my plan. One evening I was out of eggs and this car alarm had been sounding off for a solid 15 minutes straight. I went to the bodega, bought a half kilo of eggs, returned to my apartment, and emptied the entire bag onto the roof and hood of their car. It didn't matter to me that my next morning's breakfast was on the roof of some asshole's car. I never saw that car parked there ever again. I wonder why.

  3. El Vengador Pelado

    Well anonymous "What would happen if we all would start to write on others people's cars?"

    I guess people would fix their fucking car alarms and not piss off the whole of Miraflores.

    And yes I am completely insane.

  4. Anonymous

    Would have been a better story if the writer had taken a baseball bat to said car.

    Man…I am sick of tired of these damn alarms all hours of the day.

  5. Anonymous

    Permanent markers have the same base as spray paint, contain acetone, so you damaged the car's paint. Try to write on your antic cars with the same marker and see what happens. As annoying as car alarms are, you had no right to damage the car. There is police and laws for this kind of things and the guy should get a ticket. What would happen if we all would start to write on others people's cars? You are promoting vandalism and graffiti, and the police should arrest you. Looks that you have the illusion that you are some sort of comic book hero "El Vengador Pelado", that spells beginning of insanity.

  6. Anonymous

    Awesome. I'm glad you took the matter into your own hands. The only thing I don't agree with is your implication that alarms aren't needed. Unfortuantely, I couldn't get my car insured without the alarm. SO, I guess they are a necessary evil. I just think you probably shouldn't leave your car so far away that you can't turn off the alarm.

  7. Anonymous

    I once caught a kid that was stealing my car sidemirrors when he activated the alarm, sadly they are a must have in Peru

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