Hey Girls, the Eyes are up here, it’s rude when you just sit and stare at my package!

I was watching an episode of “2 and a half Men” the other day and Alan (Charlie Sheen’s dorky brother on the show) was stuck in a hospital waiting room or something with a semi-attractive woman who was showing a lot of cleavage. He was kind of talking to her and all she could do was say snitty things about how he was staring at her exposed breasts and how he should be looking at her eyes instead. Well, this episode got me thinking to the one or few times in my life when I’ve been in a similar situation and some woman has accused me of overtly gawking at her breasts which is unbelievably annoying especially when YOU AREN’T EVEN INTERESTED IN HER NASTY OLD SCRAGGLY TITS!

But before I continue on that trend of thought I think I need to go back to the obvious little kernel of annoyance which is created by a woman who walks around in public with her breasts hanging out for everyone to see and then complains when people look at them! I mean, there’s an obvious solution. If you don’t want people to look, cover them up!

Now I’m not talking about the thousands of women out there who like to dress up pretty and who like to be admired. That’s fine and we all have a strain of vanity in us that compels us to look as good as we can. Most people pull it off quite well. What irritates me is that small sect of people who flaunt the little they have just so they can loudly and publicly deride some guy for staring at them just to draw attention to themselves.

Basically all outside observers side with the woman in cases like this. The accuser never has to prove that she is actually sexy or that you were at all turned on by her, all she has to say is, “hey! the eyes are up here!” and she’s kind of built up her own ego in a sort of masturbatory sense.

So of course, my brilliant solution to annoying women who accuse you of ogling them when you’re totally not is to say, “Hey lady, I know I’ve got this huge package that’s just busting through my pants, but could you please stop staring at it with such hungry eyes? I mean, I’m a human being not a piece of meat!”

Saying such a thing isn’t going to get the crowd of observers on your side, but it is going to produce that moment of quiet stupefaction that will allow you to vacate the premises with your own ego safely intact (and perhaps even slightly inflated).

Oh, and by the way, that shirt is from a movie premier I attended in Peru called “El Premio.” It was actually a pretty darn good movie. It’s probably available at Polvos Rosados.

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1 Comment

  1. Sb

    What do you do when some dude is checking you out in say jockey plaza. Do you assume it is sexual or finance related?

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