Hug Vs Punch
Moderator: Welcome to the first debate between our two Presidential candidates. On the left we have Candidate Hug who has resolved to give a hug to every citizen of our great nation. Thanks for being here Candidate Hug.
Hug: Great to be here, thanks for having me.
Moderator: And on the right we have Candidate Punch.
Punch: I’m going to punch you right in the face and keep punching until there’s nothing but bloody mush beneath my knuckles and then I’m going to grind that mush into the concrete with my heel.
Audience: Tremendous roar of approval.
Moderator (slight cough): Yes, thanks for being here.
Punch: Die a slow death.
Moderator: On to the issues…
Hug (interrupting): Issues? Really? He’s threatening to punch everyone in the face? Wouldn’t you prefer a hug? A hug for your children.
Punch: Whose going to pay for all these hugs?
Hug: Hugs are free.
Punch: There you go again, always wanting to give away free stuff.
Hug: Well, who is going to pay for all these punches?
Candidate Punch: Don’t try to misdirect. How crooked! And don’t be so dismissive of the merits of a good punch in the face. Most people need one. Especially my opponent.
Audience: Mutterings of agreement.
Hug: I don’t need one.
Punch: That’s one everyone who needs one thinks.
Moderator: Candidates, candidates, let’s keep it on topic. Candidate Hug, what is it that most worries you about Candidate Punch’s proposals.
Hug: He’s proposing to assault everyone in the US.
Punch: That is absolutely false.
Hug: That’s literally what you’re saying.
Punch (smug): You mean figuratively.
Hug: No, I don’t.
Moderator: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let’s give Candidate Punch a chance to reply.
Punch: Ladies and gentlemen, if elected, I will personally go from house to house and punch each and every one of you in the face.
Audience: Tremendous applause
Hug: Are you insane? Did you not hear him? He’s going to hit you in the face!
Punch: Did you hear that? He called you insane. How deplorable!
Moderator: Let’s have a few questions from undecided voters.
Undecided voter: My question is for Candidate Punch. Candidate Punch, I have a neighbor who really needs a punch in the face. Will you punch him?
Undecided voter: Thank you, you have my vote.
Hug: But he’s going to punch you too!
Punch: I didn’t say that. I DID NOT SAY THAT!
Moderator: Candidate Punch you have thirty seconds to elaborate.
Punch: I’d like to take a moment to address this vile and offensive lie that my opponent keeps promoting—that I will punch everyone in the face. That is a typical Capitol hill tactic designed to misrepresent my position. Just imagine the satisfaction of watching all the people you don’t like get punched in the face.
Hug: You’ll be attacking everyone.
Punch: Punching those we disagree with in the face is a common sense, rational solution to our problems.
Hug: It’s barbaric.
Punch: It’s in line with our values and our traditions as a nation.
Hug: You’re violating everything we hold dear.
Punch (to the audience): Take a moment and listen to the words my opponent chooses to use: attack… violate… barbaric… is this the vocabulary of a president?
Audience stares at Candidate Hug in fury.
Hug (backpedaling): Things are getting a little off track here, I’d like to offer my opponent a hug.
Hug opens his arms and reaches out to Candidate Punch.
Punch: Assault! Assault! Assault! Did you see that? Did all of you see that? Murder! Mayhem! Horror! Restrain him.
Security restrains Hug.
Hug (struggling against security, screaming to the audience): Are you mad? He says he’s going to punch everyone in the face! That means he’s going to punch YOU in the face!
Audience (laughing, speaking as one): Obviously he’s only going to punch people we don’t like in the face. He’d never punch US in the face! (to each other) Hug thinks Punch is going to hit US! What an idiot!
Audience laughter drowns out Hug’s agonized screams.
Punch wins in a landslide.
The nation gets what it deserves.