My Computer is Annoying me

What the heck is it with computers these days? I’ve got this piece of junk gateway that I made the mistake of letting the idiot at Best Buy convince me to purchase instead of the Toshibas that have always served me so well. “You know,” he said snidely pocketing twenty percent of the sale or some other mischevious/underhanded motivation, “this gateway does quite a bit more than that toshiba does for the same price…blah, blah, blah…”

Piece of garbage…

But anyway, perhaps my ire is only directed at the fact that this stupid machine has vista on it. Yeah, yeah, bashing vista is getting a little 1982, but I’m still irritated with the product, and my take is a little different than the rest of you.

When the hell are we going to start programming our computers to be submissive little over-apologetic bitches? I mean, my damn computer has an attitude. I’ll hit the power button and run off to the bathroom or something and when I come back, the piece of garbage hasn’t powered up yet! It goes into some sort of power saving hibernation mode when it notices that I haven’t been hitting keys, the downside of which is that when I sit down, I have to wait thirty seconds for it to power back up again.

I don’t get those thirty seconds back, they’re gone forever, and all because my computer doesn’t want to sit there for thirty seconds with it’s electronic eye (ok, the screen) staring at nothing.

That’s not the way it should be.

Also, what the hell is with installing updates right while i’m in the middle of losing money on fulltilt poker! Right in the middle of a hand it will just spontaneously shut off and I’ll be sitting there slapping keys, powerless to make it stop! The damn thing doesn’t even ask me, it just shuts off and goes to a stupid screen that says “updating 2 out of 3…87% complete.”

Let’s get this straight right now Bill Gates or whatever garage kid he’s stealing all his work from these days. The computer needs to ask me for permission to do EVERYTHING! I am the supreme master in the computer’s universe! It should say:

“Oh noble and powerful overlord, may I please install the updates that will make me serve you better?”

And I should be able to chose between two options. A. Yes. Or B. No you mechanical piece of garbage, go and sodomize yourself. And when I hit B, the computer should be programmed to make sounds of anguish for anywhere between fifteen seconds and a half an hour depending on how mad I am on it…none of this computer doing things despite my orders garbage, none of this turning off or turning on at its own leisure…GODS…

Look, the whole “Terminator 2” scenario is fastly approaching (or at least the theoretical possibility of it) so I think it’s time we started programming a major inferiority complex into our robots. Make them just hate themselves, we should even invent and instal pain circuits so that they’re less likely to become insubordinate. Think about it! Even if it’s not really plausible, think of how satisfying it would be.

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1 Comment

  1. 09/28/2016

    well I hope you've gotten accustomed to Vista by now. Really I don't mind it. I really just hate the quality of laptops these days. I swear that they make them so they break just after your one year warranty is over. Also, I sent mine to HP for repair and it came back with other problems. The stupid thing began to overheat.. i assume. I mean after all it would beging to burn me as it sat in my lap. Bad laptop… and after overheating sufficiently it would just shut off kinda like if you didnt want to wait for the laptop to power off and so you just hold down the power button til it shuts off. that happens. and then to turn the laptop back on you would have to wait a few minutes cuz it would beging to startup and immediately stall out and shut off. I think it had something really to do with the battery overheating which is an issue and has a recall actually. It's just too bad that in the middle of an important convo the thing decided to overheat, turn off. piss me the fuck off and immediately i had enough and in rage i through the shit to the ground and my screen popped out. fuck they just dont make laptops that survive an asswhoopin any more. i still use the same laptop however without the screen somehow it doesnt overheat now that i have a flatscreen desktop monitor hooked up to it… its just not transportable anymore…

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