North America’s Anti-Drinking Stance is a Total Bore!


I’m probably going to get labeled anti-American again for saying this, but the USA’s (I clarify for those who think that I’m referring to “Suriname” when I say “America”) ridiculous stance on drinking is really tiresome. First of all for a country that’s willing to INVADE another independent country and install a new leader all in the name of FREEDOM, you should be able to buy a BEER without showing ten different forms of identification.

I know, I know, SOME people take it as a compliment when a person asks them for an ID when they’re trying to buy a drink. They get all flush in the face and they say, “Oh…you just made my day, I must still look like I’m 21…oh oh oh…”

Newsflash dingleberry! There’s some sort of ridiculous law out there that says you HAVE to card everybody who looks like they’re under 96…and whoever the idiot was who made THAT law had absolutely no idea how much it cramps your style when you’re sitting there at the bar trying to look cool and some irritating waiter or waitress is nagging at you about your ID.

The COOL don’t CARRY ID’s! What’s the point of an ID anyway, that just let’s the authorities know who you are…what do you think they’re going to do, come to your house and give you a check? NOOOO! They’re going to come to your house and ARREST you!!!! (and in writing this, don’t think I’m encouraging you not to give your ids to law enforcement officers when they ask for it, because there is a law against THAT too…and certainly don’t give them FAKE ids…that’s a big mistake…the best advice is to just lay low…or live in South America where you’re safe).

Getting back to being cool, it’s all about minimizing your motion (like absolute zero, nothing’s cooler than that). You go in, you barely grunt the word “beer,” instead you just say something like “b…,” or best yet, you don’t grunt at all, you just sit down motionless and sit there with your hand curved as if it were around a beer glass and just through the raw power of your obvious NEED, somebody will come and put a beer in there eventually.

That’s cool.

What isn’t cool is that somebody would come along and ask you to dig out your wallet, show it to them, sit there for a few agonizing seconds while they look at the ID, look at you, look at the ID, look at you…or worse yet they ask you to take the ID out of its little plastic case within the wallet like they’re a frickin’ law enforcement officer or a banker or something (seriously this stuff gets irritating).

Honest to god, this is the first thing that I think about when people start going on and on about how “free” the US is. My definition of freedom is how easy it is to buy a beer. I mean come on! If we’re a standard bearer for the whole world like we like to think we are, let me buy a beer! (incidentally, it’s about 1,000,000 times easier to buy a beer in Wisconsin than it is in Minnesota).

In the above image, I was drinking wine out of a Star Wars Episode I: The Phandom Menace plastic cup because I just know that it was the entirely wrong thing to do. Incidentally, I was dressed just like in the above image, and had had just as much to drink when Tiger Woods picked me up in a seedy bar close to Miami…sniff…if only somebody’d carded me!

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