See that on my blackberry? The last incoming call? That’s right 911 baby! Most people CALL 911, but Chuck Norris and I? Uh-Huh, 911 calls US!
I guess the Peruvian army must have had some problem that they couldn’t handle so they needed me with my form-fitting leather accelerator suit. Or maybe there was a burning building with a bunch of orphans in it they wanted me to handle. I don’t know, I answered the call but they hung up, maybe they were embarrassed to call me for anthing less than a solar implosion that would have wiped out all life on earth. Just some little disaster that would have killed 20 to 30,000 isn’t enough to bother me over.
Incidentally, I got that blackberry after having my other loyal blue motorola for all the years that I was hear. My old number (so I can read this some day in ten years or so and stifle a little sniffle about the memories that are brought back to me) was 99989 5265. When I first got that phone, the number was just 989 5265, but I’ve been in Peru so long that they’ve had to add another 9 TWICE just so they have enough numbers to give out. Think about that! That’s a long frickin time!
Getting my new blackberry ushered me into a whole new world of superficial bullshit in which I was finally allowed to define myself by the type of ringtone I used. These days, it seems like the most popular ringtone is that of an antique ringer. This is chosen either by A. people who are old enough to remember when actual phones had ringers like that (sadly, I’m that old) or B. Seventeen-year old EMO’s who are trying to be ironic.
Well, after long and careful thought, I finally decided on using Christian Bale’s rant from the set as Terminator 4 for my ring-tone. Every time my phone goes off, I hear Cristian Bale scream, “I’m gonna’ kick your fuckin’ ass!” and it only gets better from there. I hesitate to even write this because having Christian Bale’s ring tone is the coolest idea in the world and having stated it virtually guarantees that fifty-thousand idiots are going to go out there and install that as their ring tone until the point where it becomes even more popular than “antique bell ringer” or “ducks,” and soon we’re going to be seeing Ellen DeGeneres standing there on the set of her mediocre show with that deer in the headlights vacant look which she mistakenly thinks is so endearing and her phone is going to go off and it’s going to be Christian Bale screaming and once again Ellen will win a damn emmy for being so frickin’ funny when it’s ME that deserves the credit for that frickin’ joke (with an assist to Bale of course). Although it’s NOT a joke because that rant is AWESOME!
From now until my dying day, that’s going to be my ringer. I don’t care how popular it gets. At least I have this virtual record of the date so people can look to verify my claims, although they’ll just deny them like they always do and hand the millions over to someone else.
I wonder what 911 wanted?