The Tragedy of Men Who Cannot Achieve Orgasm

Yes, every day you live you hear of some new horrible tragedy.  The most recent one floating the airwaves is some bullshit that I just heard about that I frankly have no sympathy for…it’s the tragedy of men who have never experienced an orgasm.
I was just sitting there watching Oprah and this guy came on who was like 37 and he just started balling to Oprah about how he’d faked all his orgasms in his life.  His words were something to the effect of:
“Mmmmaaaahhh….mmmmaaaahhh…snort, snort, yes Oprah, it’s just so sad…”
Oprah: “Be strong…”
“Mmmmaaahhh…all these years, I’ve slept with women, but just so that they liked me you know…I mean, I’d give myself to them, give them the best years of my life…but then they’d just peel the clothing off me and ride me like a love hamster.  I could see the pleasure that I brought them, but I felt NOTHING…I mean, it was this horrible searing emptiness and I just felt so USED!  MMmmmaaaahhhhh!”
Oprah: “Be strong…be strong…”
Yeah…these poor fucking guys.
Well, actually this whole thing is bullshit and I never saw this show, I’m just figuring out how to work up to my latest irritation, that being, Oprah shows in which women come on and bitch about how they’ve never had an orgasm.
My wife saw some show like that the other day and it was just something else she put on a long list of why she thinks American women are full of shit.
I mean…seriously…who the fuck can’t figure out how to have an orgasm?  It’s the single most basic activity of the human body.  Shit…you can have an orgasm just by sneezing hard!  I mean…for Christ sake, if you can’t figure out how to have a damn ORGASM you sure as shit aren’t going to ever be able to figure out something difficult like LONG DIVISION now are you?
I can never understand how people can sit there on TV with a straight face and say, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”  Newsflash…if that’s you then you’re a fucking IDIOT!  I think some of these women on Oprah (let the record show that I don’t know any of these women personally if you know what I mean…wink, wink) INTENTIONALLY don’t have orgasms just so that they don’t have to change their man hating mentality.  If they allowed themselves to just RELAX and enjoy their orgasm then the whole feminist doctrine would be proven to be bullshit, so I guess it’s just easier to hold it all in (sometimes I think it’s amazing the things women give up just to prove they’re right…this is a lose/lose situation folks).
Look, figure out how to have a damn orgasm.  A frickin’ dog knows how to have an orgasm…you’re smarter than a dog now aren’t you.  I mean, if you’re one of those people who likes to dress in long, whispy, lavender veils and stand in front of scented candles and gasp, “oh…I’ve NEVER had an orgasm” while you wipe your brow slowly with the back of your hand…here’s what you have to do:
Go down to the local grocery store and get some damn PRODUCE and some damn LUBRICANTS or maybe even a small animal…take all this good stuff home and get frickin’ creative.  Because whoever told you that you SHOULDN’T be having orgasms to prove some sort of philosophical point is giving you BAD information.
This is a pretty basic part of human existence.  Let the record show that Peruvian women don’t sit there and bitch about how they don’t have orgasms on daytime TV the way that American women do…because failure to be able to bring yourself off is pretty much a failure at LIFE!  Think about it dipshits!!!!!

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous

    Umm…Ben…lacking the anatomy, you are way out of line here. Although I agree there are worse things to worry about, like global warming, the war in Iraq, overpopulation. Too bad lack of orgasms in women does not affect overpopulation, the way it surely would if only your pretend male scenario were actually true 😉 Seriously, it is DIFFERENT for women than it is for men.

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