Isn’t this shot awesome! There are like fifty totally innocuous things in this image that Americans have been secretly conditioned to be afraid of.
Number one is the non-American flag in the foreground. I mean…Jesus, what’s with America and all the damn flags? You can’t even watch Spider-Man without having the damn character drape himself in an American flag every time he webs around a building. Or in Transformers when the transformers actually take the time to stop and knock American flags off bridges and stuff…like they give a shit about American flags. Honestly, this flag fixation goes to a ridiculous extreme I think. It’s Idolatry frankly (it says in the Bible you’re not supposed to do that…but oddly, Bible followers are the ones that get the most upset when you don’t violently respect the flag in public…like give yourself six cracked vertebrae and nine chipped teeth as you prostrate yourself before it). Seriously…all the contradictions are driving me mad, quick story, it’s a digression but don’t worry. My wife’s working as a bi-lingual assistant here in Wisconsin and every day they have all these lessons about tolerance for other cultures and all that other bullshit they pretend they think is important but nobody really gives two shits about. Anyway, they’d just got done with one of these lectures and the teacher was standing there smiling at my wife with her, “I hope the foreigner in the room has taken appropriate notice as to how fucking TOLERANT I am of her culture” look on her face. Anyway, about two seconds after the whole “tolerance” talk, they started reciting the pledge of allegiance over the intercom. All the students snapped to attention and started mouthing the words, but my wife, who is not an American, did not.
The teacher got PISSED!
“Why aren’t you doing the pledge of allegiance?” the woman cried as her teeth narrowed into fangs and the whites of her eyes were replaced with deep, black, seething holes.
“Because it’s NOT MY FUCKING FLAG DIPSHIT…WHAT WAS THE WHOLE BULLSHIT TALK ABOUT TOLERANCE ABOUT?”
Sigh…(incidentally, that’s the kind of altercation women can really have without coming to blows, for better or for worse).
So anyway, I think I got the whole American flag thing covered.
Ok, more things Americans are conditioned to be afraid of: The buildings look like something you might see in a Jason Bourne movie, not the GOOD part of the movie where Jason’s kind of come to the conclusion that he can kick anyone’s ass and he’s probably going to be OK even though he still doesn’t know what the fuck is going on…but the BAD part of the movie, like right in the beginning when he wakes up tied to a bedspring hooked up to a AC generator with his face and mouth covered by a wet towel for waterboarding and…WHOA…he doesn’t even know who the fuck he is (he’ll need to read a name off a passport with his picture on it sooner or later…I’ve had mornings like that too, except there was no bedspring or AC generator or towel and I was just really fucking drunk…the walls looked like that though)!
The last thing that scares the PISS out of Americans…the kids AREN’T playing baseball or American football. It’s amazing how much this freaks Americans out. It’s interesting, when you see an American walk by a game of soccer (they call it “soccer” and everybody else calls it “football”) they are subconsciously compelled to make some sort of snide comment. The conditioned HATRED Americans feel for soccer would only be baffling if anybody ever stopped to think about it (which they don’t, because that’s how conditioning works [this is a masterpiece of a blog post by the way, I should get a nobel fucking prize in blogging for this blog post, Toni Morrison couldn’t write a blog post this good if you gave her a million years]).
To be completely honest, if you were to download my brain right now and check out all the images in there, you’d be BLOWN AWAY by the sheer percentage of times I’ve been sitting in darkened taxis staring out at Ominous landscapes like the one in the above image. I’ve literally spent like 3-7% of my life sitting in taxis wondering who the fuck I was and looking for a passport image that resembled me with a name attached to it.
I’ve had an awesome fucking life.